yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Randomize
