I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize