Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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