You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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