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• (251): View more from Alabama

  Call me "white mamba"

  (334): View more from Alabama

  Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake

  (251): View more from Alabama

  It is white.

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• (415): View more from California

  Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.

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• (805): View more from California

  Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.

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• (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.

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• (773): View more from Illinois

  They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck

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• (980): View more from North Carolina

  Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?

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• (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Why do you think it's a no-pants party?

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.

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• (775): View more from Nevada

  I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies

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• (989): View more from Michigan

  I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.

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• (612): View more from Minnesota

  You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.

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• (347): View more from New York

  Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot

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• (910): View more from North Carolina

  I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.

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• (214): View more from Texas

  Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse

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• (512): View more from Texas

  Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender

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• (719): View more from Colorado

  I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.

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