Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Don't tell me you're on acid again
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
