he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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