70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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