I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
