Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
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