Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
