The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
