I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
