ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
