fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
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