you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
