i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I don't deserve a penis
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
