I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
