I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
