Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
