I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
