I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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