I just saw a hot homeless man
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
