Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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