when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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