he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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