I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
