sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
