Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
