Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Randomize
