I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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