Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
