Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
