the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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