If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
You're a waste of cheezeits
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize