I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
