rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
