I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
me + whiskey = a bad person
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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