great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize