His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
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