I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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