I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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