I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
