how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
