I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
