GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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