i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
