Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
