the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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