Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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