Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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