Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
