If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
3 2 1 whiskey
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
