I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
