theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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