I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
