I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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