Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
