I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize