you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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