Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
