So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
