dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Are we still banned from the library?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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