At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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