I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
