This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
