i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
