Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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